Trump Delivers “State of My Union” ahead of his “State of the (teleprompted) Union”

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Mr. Spine-is-mine Speaker (love ya), Mr. President in charge of Vice (you wish), low-hanging Members of Congress (you know who you are, Chuck Grassley), the Legion of Liars (my spokespeople), devilish Devin Nooner (masterful memo, Mongo), Hope (I want to go solo), my wife Ivan .. er, Melania (almost caused another Stormy Monday on Tuesday), and finally, Fox and Friends (who agree, no more Russian sanctions!).

Today, I am happy to report Melania and I have made great progress since I was elected — probably more than any POTUS and FLOTUS in history. Today, I plan to keep my remarks relatively brief (pun intended — thank you Stephen Miller). Actually, I can simultaneously give you a glimpse of tonight’s State of the Union highlights: Military, Cybersecurity, Economy, Immigration, and Trade Policies, in whatever order they come into my mind and possibly more than once.

For instance, Immigration — All you have to do is look at my third wife, Melania, and you know I have a hard spot .. er, I mean a soft spot for immigrants. You will also notice why I support merit-based immigration: she’s white, not from Norway .. but Europe’s ok, beautiful (what a rack), and used to have a college degree before fake news found out she didn’t graduate. We will publicly release her immigration records when they are no longer under audit. Even though Melania worked in this country without the proper work visas when she first arrived (which makes her an illegal immigrant), Secretary of Homeland Security, Kirstjen Nielsen, confirmed ICE is not targeting Melania for deportation. Kirstjen will testify under oath to this effect if necessary. Hear that, Honey! (Kirstjen smiles back)

And the Military — No one loves our military more than me. On the anniversary of my inauguration (when Melania and I weren’t together), she Instagrammed that picture of herself in her powder-blue Jackie suit with a hunky Marine escort. She was smiling broadly (pun intended — thanks again Stephen Miller) — the kind of smile I don’t see much any more. Some have interpreted her post as a way to poke at me for recent revelations about my watching Sharknado with a certain weather forecaster, who’s code name is Stormy. But it was I who arranged for Melania’s Marine, which is part of our arrangement AND confirmation of my support for a buffed military.

That brings me to Fair Trade — If you remember, Melania originally wouldn’t come to Washington with me because she was still reeling over what I admitted about bushes on the Bush Bus. The good news is she relented shortly after I told her she’d be sharing in a multi-million dollar tax windfall we would receive later in the year. Sure, she continues to insist on separate beds in the White House, but there are conjugal visits from time to time — well, not with each other, but still I have Hope … and she has Hank, head of security at Tiffany’s in the Trump Tower. That’s what I call a fair trade.

On Cybersecurity, … actually, I’m not doing anything there until at least after the midterms (unless you count no further sanctions on Russia even though Mike Pompeo thinks … nevermind.) But on a related topic, Melania is disappointed her campaign against cyberbullying has had no impact. Her aide told me she’s appreciative of all my efforts to be a role model in this area, and I’ve told her to tell Melania I wish I had more time to support her initiative. It’s just that all that Executive Time on my calendar consumes most of my waking, non-golfing hours.

On the Economy, the passage of my tax bill was a winner with all the wealthy folks at Mar-a-Lago (including Melania). Bless her heart, but my little entrepreneur now wants to renegotiate the prenup and the specific clause that relates to my infidelity. That said, she was empathetic to my support of an out-of-work, but very talented, film star, and was especially pleased this investment gave Ms. Daniels’ career a real boost. This episode humbled me because I now see how an honest wage coupled with an entitlement can be good for all parties.

One last thing, Transparency — this is why it’s so important you all see Devin’s memo, which reinforces that questions about my ussian-related motives and actions are politically motivated. We all know Bob Mueller has been laying in wait ever since I stuck him on his golf fees at my fabulous Washington International Golf Course, where I’ll be this weekend. For the record, transparency is a word I embrace when it suits me. My tax returns, college transcripts, Mar-a-Lago visitor lists, and list of women used and abused will continue to be off limits.

That’s it. Melania will be there tonight to hear my State of the Union speech, and even if she’s not smiling, that should indicate the state of our union is solid gold.

Thank you!

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