APPRENTICE replaces VOICE! Trump ups sagging Mirrorballs trophy chance
From the Thorpe Laugh-or-Cry Files — the unreported, unbelievable, unreal news you need to stay sane in Trumpdumb
The VOICE office, an ill-conceived pilot by producer Steve Bannon, has “already been cancelled” according to White House sources. Originated during the 2016 primary season, Vomit Of Idiot Candidate Elected (VOICE), was a 1-man dark comedy act that only appealed to smaller audiences into American carnage. According to one insider, it was gone faster than Ivanka could tell Nordstroms, “But you making money on my brand is not the point!”
Adapted Positions, Paraphrases, Restatements and Excuses for Newest Tweeter In Chief Embarrassment … APPRENTICE … , the office of, is replacing the VOICE. The brainchild of new White House Communications Director, Michael Dubke saw a need for rallying the Trump faithful in the White House, Senate, and Congress immediately following Trump tweets or any POTUS utterances made without the aid of a teleprompter. Their job: To give meaning to the incoherent and make plausible the impossible; to double-down on the President’s “non sense” (one word or two); and to support his call for Senate or Congressional investigations of baseless accusations.
The APPRENTICE details were intended to remain confidential, but the secret codes used by office staff to communicate with one another have been intercepted by a roaming Roomba robot vacuum.
STUPID: Surprise Tweet Urgency Prompting Immediate Distraction
TRUMP: Tweet Response Unit Motivated by Panic
IVANKA: Invoke Validating Answers Noting Knowledge Alternatives
SCRAMBLE: Senate & Congressional Republican Actions to Mitigate Blatant Lies and Exaggeration
BRAINCHILD — Bannon-Rudy-Assange-Ivanka-Newt-Coulter-Hannity-Ingraham-Limbaugh-Dobbs
BFD — Breitbart-Fox-Drudge
White House sources laid out a typical APPRENTICE scenario to show how these secret codes trigger a coordinated response to Trump tantrums:
As soon as Twitter monitors notice the President is using his phone (especially in the early morning hours), a STUPID alert is sent to the President’s inner circle. The TRUMP team immediately assembles in Steve Bannon’s war room. Pence, Priebus, Spicer, Conway, and Huckabee’s daughter are reminded to stick with the IVANKA strategy , and talking points are circulated.
Simultaneously, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell are notified, and operation SCRAMBLE is launched highlighting the default response — “Didn’t see it. No comment. Yes, I’m sure he believes it.” Simultaneously, operation BRAINCHILD is put into effect to arm right wing and alt-right media personalities with gobbledygook, codswallop, and flapdoodle (aka more nonsense) to be used in preemptive attacks on the mainstream media.
Once BFD coverage of the events has vilified all those who have questioned the motivation for, and the veracity of, the President’s tweet, the office of the APPRENTICE stands down and office staff are put on standby status until the next alert. Generally, this is expected to occur some time between 3 AM and the airing of Fox & Friends.
Just Breaking: Reportedly, Director Dubke has also authored a contingency plan in case APPRENTICE fails. The office of Futile Attempts to Rationalize Trump Sad (FARTS) will be responsible to further rewind, rework, and reinterpret the responses from Trump’s current, no-longer-taken-seriously spokes-brigade. In an attempt to maintain a low profile, FARTS will be silently deployed and, if noticed, will be disclaimed by its author.
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