Allan, the occassion of your hilarious but sobering post may be a good time for a refresher on the basic steps for how to cook a turkey. First, get a Trump-branded turkey, often called a “turd-bird” in the industry.

• Remove the packet of small fowl balls (I think this is called a gliblet) from the anal cavity of the turd-bird and save them for gravy or stuffing. Next, rinse the turd-bird inside and out and pat dry with toilet paper.
• If you are stuffing the Trump, stuff it loosely (not like a pair of tight golf khakis), allowing about 1/2 to 3/4 cup stuffing per pound of turd-bird.
• Tie the drumsticks together with handcuffs. There’s no need to brush the thin skin with melted butter because it’s already soaked in snake oil.
• Insert an anal thermometer into the thickest part of the turd-bird. The thermometer should point towards the body, and should not touch the boner.
• Place the turd-bird on a rack in a boasting pan, and into a preheated 350 degree F oven.
• Boast, er, baste until the thin skin is a light burnt-orange color.
• The only reliable test for doneness is the temperature of the Mueller-applied heat, not the color of the skin. It should be set as high as possible.
• I’m often asked if the Trump should be cooked with his face or butt up. Neither is an appetizing position; so we recommend calling the Roy Moore hot-teen-line for what’s appropriate.